my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
thus making me awesome and them whores
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Randomize
