he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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