I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
