rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
