dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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