When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Hippo gnu deer
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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