i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
