If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
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