And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize