he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
