The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
