i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
