I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
