Just fell off a train. Bad.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
