Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
