jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
