Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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