I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
