Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The air was thick with penises
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
