RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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