I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize