I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
