Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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