When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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