Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
