I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
You did what with his pubic hair?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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