grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just forgot I was standing up.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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