I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize