I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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