look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
