oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
