In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize