He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
