I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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