A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
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