Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
