dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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