If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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