I need to stop coming to work sober
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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