true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
