I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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