I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Did I show you my penis last night?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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