I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
