Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
