bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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