The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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