Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We were destined to go to rehab together
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
