did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
We had to coat check the pizza.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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