tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we're making bets on your personal life
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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