Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
