my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
