What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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