eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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