I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
birth control should be required to get into college
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I fill condoms, not promises.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
