I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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