I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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