My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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