the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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